Self-Hatred as Self-Protection: A Common Trauma Response

As a trauma therapist in Oakland, CA, I see many clients who experience an inner critic, from intense self criticism to cruel self-hatred. I encourage an empowering reframe: self-hatred has kept you safe, and protected you from intolerable feelings and experiences-- vulnerability, mistakes, accountability, disappointment, reckoning with trauma--but do you still need to be using self-hatred as a tool?

Self-hatred can serve as a form of protection in several ways. 

1. Avoiding rejection: If you believe that you are fundamentally flawed or unlovable, you may push people away or avoid intimate relationships altogether. This way, you won't have to risk being rejected or hurt by others.
2. Managing expectations: Self-hatred can also serve as a defense mechanism against failure. By setting the bar low for yourself and expecting the worst, you may feel less disappointed when things don't work out as planned.
3. Maintaining control: When you hate yourself, you may feel like you have more control over your life. For example, you may choose to isolate yourself or engage in self-destructive behaviors to feel like you are in charge of your own destiny.
4. Coping with trauma: Self-hatred can also be a way of coping with past traumas or abuses. Self-hatred can be a way to suppress anger, which may have been unsafe to feel in family. By blaming yourself for what happened, you may feel like you have some sense of control over the situation, even if it is just an illusion.

Self-hatred may be a protective tool but it comes with a lot of long-term consequences-- limiting intimacy, depression, anxiety, and low self-worth...this can even encourage you to stay in abusive relationships. When you are stable, safe enough, secure enough, and resourced enough, it is time to let go of self-hatred and welcome self-compassion

When you are ready to process your past, when you are safe-enough, when you are resourced-enough, it is time to let go of self-hatred and embrace self-compassion (more on that here). 

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why do people experience self-hatred?