How to Become a Better Listener: Active Listening Basics

𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 is simple in concept but at times, difficult to execute. As a queer couples therapist in Oakland, CA, I often coach clients and provide opportunity to use 𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 skills. 𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 is listening with the intention of deeply understanding another person 𝕒𝕟𝕕 helping another person ✨feel✨ you are fully present to hear about and understand their experience. ​

That means if you are multitasking, waiting to share your own experience, debating the facts, or ping-ponging (see this blog post), you're not doing 𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌.

If you start experiencing dysregulation, becoming defensive or shameful, you may not be in a place for 𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌. You may need to take a break and come back when you are ready to hear and understand another person.

Paraphrase
Learn to rephrase what the speaker is saying so you communicate understanding (and give opportunity for clarification):
"I'm hearing you were hurt and you would prefer if I ___"

Open-Ended Questions 

Learn to ask questions that increase your understanding in benefit of the speaker:
"What was your experience when I did__"
"So, you're saying you felt __, how can I better communicate? "

Verbal Affirmation

Learn to skillfully use short phrases like:
"uh huh"
"That makes sense"
"I understand"

Empathy

Learn to skillfully express empathy with phrases like:
"Do you need to be helped, heard, or hugged?"
"I'm so sorry you experienced that"
"How can I help?"

Non-Verbal Affirmations

Learn to skillfully include:
Nodding
Eye contact
Facial expressions
Avoiding distraction

Looking for a queer couples therapist in Oakland, CA? Learn more here. Yes, straight couples welcome, too! ​

How to become a better listener