Helped, Heard, or Hugged

A client told me about this NYTimes article and I love the simplicity of the author's advice: As a queer couple's therapist in Oakland, CA, I often emphasize when you offer a loved-one support, it's best to know what support you need! It's common for people to jump into advice or problem-solving when emotional validation is desired...and the opposite is frustrating, too!

So before you jump to help, ask do you need to be 𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕡𝕖𝕕, 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕕, 𝕠𝕣 𝕙𝕦𝕘𝕘𝕖𝕕. 

HOW: 

• Even when you have the green light to problem-solve, you need to first understand your loved one's perspective
• Strategize together the best way to approach the situation not just considering what you would do but considering who your loved one is and where they are coming from (so, this still requires empathy in understanding another person)

THE IMPACT: 

• "Some research suggests that couples who give each other supportive advice have higher relationship satisfaction."
• Your loved one doesn't feel alone is solving a problem
• Your loved one is supported in seeing multiple options and a different perspective

HOW: 

• Use active listening skills to understand another person's experience and help them feel understood
• Empathize and validate your partner's emotional experience
• Cheerlead and encourage when appropriate
• Now is not the time to problem-solve or bring in your perspective

THE IMPACT: 

• "High-quality listening can reduce defensiveness during difficult and intimate conversations."
• Feeling heard increases feelings of validation, decreases feelings of loneliness, and decreases stress

HOW: 

• A long open-hearted hug
• This one may seem simple, but comforting touch may look different depending on the person

THE IMPACT: 

• "increases levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and helps dial down stress"
• Calms your loved one, increased feelings of connectedness, decreases stress and loneliness, increases resilience in regulating and problem-solving

Looking from a trauma therapist in Oakland, CA? Learn more here.

Looking for a queer couples therapist in Oakland, CA? Learn more here. ​

How to be the most helpful when your partner is in distress