Relational Automation: How Procedural Memory Keeps You in Repetitive Conflicts

As a couples therapist in Oakland, CA, I commonly see how reactivity keeps couples in frustrating loops of conflict.  Read more about how your implicit memory impacts relational conflict. 
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ｅｘａｍｐｌｅ : You have asked your partner to communicate their needs in a kinder way. Your partner has taken this to heart but when your partner turns to you to mention your tendency to be late (again 🙄⏰❌), you become reactive, not even allowing for a new way of communicating. Who knows what was going to say or how they were going to say it. You filled in the blanks for them. How kind! <---sarcasm.

This is because ✨procedural memory✨--the implicit memory that helps you complete tasks without consciously thinking about things--impacts relationships, too. It is important to have intentional conversations to new ways of behaving and communicating, be patient and generous, presume good intent, and be mindful of your own feelings and triggers. Frustrating loops are created by the conversation initiator 𝕒𝕟𝕕 the responder.
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implicit memory in relationships