Never Do These Things in Your Relationships

As a couples therapist in Oakland, CA, I'm often find my clients in painful, frustrating loops of communication that go no where. Often individuals just want to be and feel seen and heard and get their needs met and are using ineffective means to do that. In my experience, the most ineffective means are below. 

Please never: 

• Debate facts (as in "you said xyz," "no I sad zxy") 
• Deflect ("you do the same thing!")
• Argue about two things at once
• Argue for more than 30 minutes (3-15 minutes is better)
• Give conditional apologies (I'm sorry, but)
• Focus on explaining why you did something
• Fight over text or in the car

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healthy relationships do not include...