Desire Styles + Your Relationship

Do you notice your sexual desire need more warm up time or context once you're in a long-term relationship? Do you need little to no context to experience sexual desire? Great news-- you're normal!

“We know by now that there’s no such thing as normal—or rather, that we’re all normal. We’re all made of the same parts as everyone else, organized in a unique way. No two alike.”
― Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Desire Styles

Understanding these different desire styles can be particularly helpful in the context of sexual relationships and can promote better communication, empathy, and overall sexual satisfaction between partners. As a couples therapist in Oakland, CA, I tell couples it is essential to communicate openly about their sexual desires and preferences and work together to find a balance that meets both partners' needs. The sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski breaks down two desire styles: spontaneous and responsive. 

Spontaneous desire is what many people commonly think of when they imagine sexual desire. It's the experience of feeling sexual desire or arousal without any specific external triggers or cues. People with spontaneous desire may feel a sudden and natural urge for sex that arises without any specific context or stimulus. This desire can occur at any time, and it often leads to the initiation of sexual activity without needing any particular circumstances or sexual stimuli.

​Responsive desire is characterized by a person's sexual desire emerging in response to specific sexual or romantic stimuli. In other words, individuals with responsive desire may not feel a spontaneous desire for sex, but they can become sexually aroused and interested in sex when exposed to appropriate sexual or romantic cues, such as kissing, caressing, or other forms of physical intimacy. Responsive desire is often more context-dependent and may require a warm-up period to become sexually engaged.

Understanding your own and your partner's desire style normalizes both styles and helps partners create a sex life that accommodates both people's needs.

“The problem isn’t the desire itself, it’s the context. You need more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.”
― Emily Nagoski

Gas and Breaks: What Turns You On, What Turns You Off

It's also important to know your own and your partner's gas and brakes. It may seem obvious to identify what your partner finds sexy, but it is also important to know what contexts are needed to access sexual desire and what contexts shut off access to sexual desire. Enter gas and brakes as a simple metaphor. 

Gas or "accelerators" represent the factors, thoughts, and experiences that increase sexual desire and arousal. These are the things that turn people on and make them feel sexually excited. Accelerators can be both physiological and psychological, and they vary from person to person. Some common examples of accelerators include physical touch, erotic fantasies, emotional intimacy, and sexual attraction. Anything that triggers positive sexual responses in an individual can be considered an accelerator.

Brakes represent the factors, thoughts, and experiences that inhibit or decrease sexual desire and arousal. Brakes can come in various forms, such as stress, anxiety, fatigue, past traumas, negative body image, relationship conflicts, or distractions. Essentially, anything that can cause a person to lose interest in sex or feel anxious, uncomfortable, or unsafe can be considered a brake.

Some have more items on the gas list, some on the brakes. For example, people who have responsive desire may have fewer items on their gas list versus spontaneous desire individuals have a longer gas list. Understanding the interplay between accelerators and brakes is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling sex life. People often have unique combinations of accelerators and brakes that affect their sexual responsiveness. It's important to recognize and manage the brakes while actively engaging the accelerators to promote and maintain a satisfying sexual connection.

"Intimate conversation, affection, and friendship are central to the erotic life of a long-term relationship.”
― Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Making Sex Work For Responsive Desire

One thing that can happen when one partner has more responsive desire where another has spontaneous is a pursuer/withdrawer dynamic. This is because the spontaneous partner may be feeling their needs are unmet and continue to reach out for sex, and the responsive partner, not being given the context they need but instead experiencing pressure, become more stressed and more withdrawn. 

So, you or a partner has responsive desire? A delicate brake? Aside from accepting this as absolutely normal, here are a few things you can do. 

1. Create a safe and comfortable environment
2. Create romantic environments (like dates)
3. Engage in non-sexual touch
4. Prioritize communication--talk about this!
5. Focus on emotional connection
6. Be patient and avoid pressure--pressure is not sexy!!!
7. Explore different arousal techniques
8. Reduce stress and distractions

Sex feeling tough to talk about it? You're not alone and you deserve support. Couples therapy may be for you!

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Looking for a queer couples therapist in Oakland, CA? Learn more here. 

Desire Styles and Couples Therapy