The Pursuer/Withdrawer Tango in Relationships

As a couples therapist in Oakland, CA I often find my clients stuck in a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic. In this common relationship pattern, one partner (the pursuer) tends to seek emotional connection and wants to discuss issues in the relationship, while the other partner (the withdrawer) tends to withdraw or avoid these conversations.
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The pursuer often feels frustrated and alone in the relationship, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed and needs space to process their thoughts and emotions. This can create a cycle where the pursuer becomes more demanding or critical, which causes the withdrawer to withdraw even further, which then causes the pursuer to become even more demanding.

Withdrawers Should:

• Regulate their nervous system
• Learn to be less defensive
• Don't avoid problems
• Tend to their partner
• Validate their partner's distress
• Affirm that they are "there for" their partner
• Plan dates and fun activities
• Compliment their partner
• Express gratitude for their partner
• Learn their partner's love language and speak it!

Pursuers Should:

• Regulate their nervous system
• Avoid criticism
• Affirm their understanding of their partner's difficulty sticking through conflict
• Give partner space and time to plan, give compliments, and respond to bids...withdrawers often move a bit slower
• Give positive feedback on what their partners are doing well
• Compliment their partner
• Express gratitude for their partner
• Learn their partner's love language and speak it!

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Looking for a queer couples therapist in Oakland, CA? Learn more here. ​

pursuers and withdrawers in relationships