Why Do I Keep Listening to Sad Music? On The Compelling Nature of Sadness
If you’ve ever found yourself playing the same sad song on repeat, even though you’re already feeling low, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. In fact, this study has something super validating to say about it.
A group of researchers wanted to know why people with depression often choose sadness—like actively picking sad songs, sad movies, sad vibes. Wouldn’t we be avoiding sadness if we’re already overwhelmed by it?
Turns out: not necessarily.
“Depression is a way of coping with life when we’ve run out of other options. It’s a survival strategy of the psyche.”
Sadness Can Feel Like Home (Even When It Hurts)
The study looked at two groups, people with depression and people without, and asked them to choose between sad, neutral, or happy music. And surprise: people with depression often chose the sad music. But not because it made them “happy.” It made them feel…more like themselves.
This is something called self-verification, the psychological need to feel consistent with how you see yourself. If your internal world feels heavy or sad, then upbeat music might feel jarring or fake. Sad music, on the other hand, might feel like it “matches” you. It validates your emotional reality.
It’s not about wallowing—it’s about coherence.
“Depression is melancholy minus its charms”
So Wait, Is That Bad?
It’s totally understandable. And like many things in mental health, it’s both wise and worth getting curious about.
The researchers found that people with depression were more likely to believe sadness was useful: It helped them understand themselves, connect with their feelings, or even stay in touch with certain memories or identities.
That’s not inherently a bad thing. But if sadness becomes the only emotion that feels authentic or safe, it can limit your ability to access joy, connection, or hope. If sadness becomes your identity, then we have a problem. If you do not know who you are outside of an emotional experience, we should get curious about that.
Some questions to ask yourself…
Do you choose sadness because it connects with who you believe yourself to be?
If you experienced more joy, would it feel authentic, or would it conflict with your self-perception?
And that’s where therapy comes in.
“But me writing sad songs doesn’t mean I am a sad person. ”
How This Shows Up in the Therapy Room
As a therapist in Oakland, CA, I see this all the time: clients who want to feel better but also feel weird or disconnected when things start to lighten. It’s like, “Wait…who am I if I’m not the sad one? The anxious one? The one always struggling?”
That question is big…and it deserves space.
Sometimes healing isn’t just about feeling better, it’s about becoming someone new—or letting parts of yourself expand—and that can feel weird or even scary at first.
“You don’t have to become someone new. You just have to become more of who you really are.”
A Few Things to Try (No Pressure)
Notice the urge to pick sadness—not to stop it, but to understand it. Ask yourself: “What does this emotion do for me right now?”
Try experimenting with small doses of joy or ease. Think: one silly meme, one happy playlist, one low-stakes hangout. How does it feel? What parts of you resist it?
Talk about it in therapy. Especially if you’re worried you’re “too attached” to your sadness. There’s probably a really smart, protective reason for that attachment.
In short: if you find comfort in sad songs, you’re not broken. You might just be trying to stay connected to yourself. Therapy can help you expand that connection, not replace it, with other emotions, too.
You don’t have to force sunshine when you’re still in the fog. But maybe there’s space to let a little light in without losing who you are.
